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We hooked up after an hour of meeting. Everything was okay until…

We hooked up after an hour of meeting. Everything was okay until…

Always practice safe sex, even when it turns you off.

Joseph Mayuyo
Jun 1 · 8 min read

My friend Tina sends me a text that says, “come over and drink vodka with me.” A Vietnamese, pretty, perky, and spontaneous “ABG.” There was no way I was going to say no to this. I go over to her house, and she texts me that she’s actually at her neighbor’s house. I’m thinking, what the hell, this better not be a prank. I hear a gate open from two houses away, and I saw this Meztisa in some skimpy shorts,
curiously looking around with half of her body out. I walk up closer and ask a rather dumb question, “Are you Tina’s neighbor?” We confirmed our mutual friend and started heading towards the house in the back.

As I’m walking in, I get ready to take off my shoes, but the Meztisa insists on leaving them on and that it was okay. I found that odd for a Meztisa to not correctly follow the first rule of entering an Asian person’s house. Here’s Tina. She’s as red as a cherry; whenever I saw her like that, I knew she’s already had quite a few shots. I am not a Vodka drinking person. I prefer Cognac, but in a situation like this, I had to get as drunk as possible, so if anything sexual happened, we’d be like T-Pain and blame it on the alcohol. Better is a pretentious man than a sober exploit.
With no time wasted, the Meztisa begins serving me what Quora users refer to as, “Smirnoff, cheap vodka with premium sound branding.” We down the first shot together straight, and she already started pouring the next shot. I look around for soda before asking her for a chaser. She says, “chasers are for pussies; catch up!” It doesn’t take a lot for me to get drunk, so I try not to drink too fast because I suffer from blackouts, and that usually doesn’t end well.

Photo by William Warby on Unsplash


I started to feel the buzz and walked away from the mestiza and sat next to Tina. I asked Tina who this girl was and how did she know her; besides the fact that they were neighbors. Tina said that they graduated together and started hanging out a little bit after high school was over. I went to the same high school as them, but I didn’t stay long ever enough to meet her. Tina and I barely knew each other in high school. That’s because I got expelled from the entire school district during my sophomore year.
“She’s freaking pretty, how come I never heard of her,” I whispered into Tina’s ear. Here in the City of Hawthorne, a suburb of Los Angeles. All the Asians knew each other. Whether through actually being friends or they knew each other through school, and some even knew each other only through AOL Instant Messenger (AIM). We were a tight-knit community; we had our section in schools often called “the square” or the “Asian Square.” That’s where all the Asians hung out during passing periods, lunch, before and after school. So for her to kind of pop up out of nowhere, surprised me.
I asked Tina why she hadn’t introduced us sooner. “She already knows you,” Tina said. What does that mean, I thought to myself. “Judy, get over here!” Tina being properly belligerent, introduces us. It went like this, “Judy, JJ. JJ, Judy.” I asked Judy how long she’s been living in Hawthorne? She replied, “my whole life.” That surprised the hell out of me. How come Tina didn’t introduce us sooner? “I just barely started hanging out because my boyfriend and I broke up.” I immediately understood who I was to her, what I was to her, and how the night would probably end, how nice of Tina to think of me when someone needs a sympathy fuck.
“Let’s not talk about boyfriends and girlfriends, let’s just hang out,” I said. Tina got up from the couch, leaving Judy and me next to each other. Tina gets on the computer and starts playing the kind of music; you know the kind that I guess sets the mood? We had some small talk for a little while. She said that she knew me and what I did for a living. She had tried my products before and enjoyed it. “I don’t know what you’re talking about; you must have me mistaken for someone else,” I persisted.
Tina heard us “flirting” and was like you two should get a room. I was like yeah, we should probably do something about that. All the sudden, she gets on top of me, and we start making out. She didn’t know how to kiss. I feel like there’s only one woman I’ve kissed that knows what she is doing. Every other girl feels like I’m teaching them. What the hell is she doing? Slow down; you’re going too fast! Watch, next time you kiss someone, go slow, and you’ll feel a difference. I started moving toward her neck. Tina turns around, and she’s like, oh, you guys do need to get a room. I love Tina, she’s gotten me laid so many times, and we’ve never hooked up.

Photo by Markus Winkler on Unsplash


I asked Judy if she wanted to go into the room. I think you should know the answer, but for illustrative purposes, she takes me by the hand and guides me towards the hall to her place. It was dark; I guess she likes it with the lights off? This was the first time I ever had sex on a bunk bed. Of course, it was a top bunk; it doesn’t count if you did it any lower. That climb of shame, I did.
She was already removing her undergarments I was like, “slow down” again, you’re moving too fast. I don’t know why but I’ve always been a person of foreplay. It’s the only way I can feel that connection to want to have sex with somebody that I don’t know. Just because you’re pretty doesn’t mean I want to put my dick inside you, much more discover the effort to maintain an erection when you’re breath smells like cheap vodka and sweat that tastes like regret.
We continued, and I realize she is not accustomed to foreplay. I introduced her to it. I was like damn, we just met no more than an hour ago. It is all fun and games until you realize that you don’t have a condom. I was like “great!” The day I’m getting laid, I don’t have a condom on me. I told her that I didn’t have a condom and if she wanted to anyway. This is where it got weird.
Judy was like, don’t worry; I have condoms. Don’t worry? What the fuck do you mean, don’t worry? I was even more worried. I’m not saying that women can’t have condoms; it’s just sketchy as hell. I mean, I like the gesture and the knowing that you’re practicing safe sex, but this also questions me and makes me curious. How freaking sexually active are you?
This was so awkward, and I was beginning to feel turned off. She reached over into this bag and had quite a collection of different condoms. I was like damn, I understand if you have a few from one brand. But where the hell does she come off carrying so many kinds and types like Trojan Magnum, Lifestyle Flavored, Durex, she even had condoms for people who are allergic to latex.
“How accommodating,” I said, and I thought — I’m legit allergic to latex, so I use lambskin condoms made by (not sponsored) Trojan.
That’s something that I always carry around. It’s the only kind I can use. It also feels like you’re not wearing a condom, so that’s a plus.
You can put those Magnums away. At this point, I’m already turned off, but I didn’t want to leave her hanging, so I was like, I guess a sympathy fuck would be okay. I mean she did all this work, I don’t want to hurt her feelings, might as well fuck her brains out to help her self esteem. I’ll never see her again anyway.

Photo by Charles Deluvio on Unsplash


I don’t know about you, but drunk sex is not always fun. I feel like the worst sex is when you’re drunk. Because both of you are sloppy as hell, hot, sweaty, and you almost looked possessed. To be honest, I don’t feel pleasure when I’m drinking. It’s just like having sex — only to have sex. For me, I don’t just fuck anyone; I mean it when I say that: I need to have a connection with you before we do anything. I can’t just hook up with you for nothing, and there’s no feelings or no attraction; even if you’re super-duper hot, I just can’t. No, I’m not gay, I’m just not the type of guy that wants to stick his dick in everything.
I didn’t even finish, but she did. I just laid down because I was tired as hell and dizzy. I remember saying, “What’s your name again? We should do this again but not drunk.” “I’d like that,” she responded. Followed by, “I kind of have a boyfriend, though.” I was like, wait what the hell? I thought she said earlier that they broke up? But no… “You know how couples are…” Oh, so I’m the fixer-upper? The rebound fuck? Then I remind myself that I knew what I was getting myself into earlier, so I had no reason to whine about anything.
“It’s not like that, but me, and my boyfriend, have broken up so many times I don’t want to make any promises,” Judy explained. You’re not making any promises I said I just wanted to try this again another time, but it’s not like we have to or it’s the end of the world if we don’t.
I wouldn’t know but this would be the beginning of a 5-year long relationship. I hope you enjoyed chapter one.
This catalog probably won’t be too long, but I thought I’d share it. It’s a story of two young people who thought they were in love but had a better taste of lust. She’s a great girl, and I hope that she is happy. I had a great time with her and learned a lot about myself dating her for so long. Follow me into this new series: “Judy.”

[Written by Joseph Mayuyo on June 1st, 2020. This article was published first and foremost on Medium.com. Find more of my writings here and visit my project if you have the time. Cheers!]
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Why I let you go…

 



Religion got me off drugs… Until I entered the ministry.

Religion got me off drugs… Until I entered the ministry.

It comes with you…

The devil is clever. Even if that devil, is you.

In all honesty, I do thank the church for helping not just me, but many, in this journey to sobriety, peace, and completion. The church is the last place that anyone would think is a trigger to start using again. But, this is what most people don’t realize.

“You bring with you ideas, experiences, and answers that others wonder about.”

Every member of the church has what is called a “testimony.” It’s your elevator pitch containing the “TLDR” story of what brought you to change and start serving God and His people. They say “blessed are the ones who came from the world and into the church versus the ones who were born in the church.”

After a year, I was 21, sober, and brainwashed to the point that they convinced me to enter the ministry. This idea that a drug dealer and user came to the church and changed his life was my testimony. This testimony spread like wildfire — It was my new addiction.

The church would pay for my plane rides to tell this story about selling drugs and being a user. In hindsight, I was a meme. The reason I stopped everything wasn’t that I wanted to be sober; it was because my ego was stimulating me.

I had never thought of my self to be physically attractive since I lack most of the qualities that women recognize. However, this testimony attracted most of the millennials in the church. They wanted to experience being high, and some even tried asking me to get them some.

After two years, I had already completed what most students in the ministry were either scared to do or weren’t educated enough to be trusted. Before being dispatched to your local church, you had to be able to defend the doctrines of the church.

One of the Bishops would play the devil’s advocate and pose as another cult, and it was my job to be able to defend and convince the Bishop that I could represent and protect the 32 doctrines. There was 33, but that’s for another conversation.

Even though I was new to the church, I was already a fast learner. Anything that stimulates my mind, I can easily learn quickly because I needed to learn how to keep it from getting away from me. It’s the same with drug dealing.

It started because I always wanted attention and praise from others.

Your phone is always ringing when you’re the plug.

Each call was an opportunity for income or an opportunity to use. Either way, I was the center of attention. I never realized this about myself until years later, when I left the church.

It was just this year (2019), where I decided to “close my account” with the church. What made me famous now made me infamous and even neglected.

But before that, I abused my position in the church. I used that power to exploit people for their money, hook up with several “sisters,” and travel the world using the member’s weekly tithes and offerings (10% of each member’s income).

It was here, in the Philippines, where I would eventually be exposed.

You see, every organization has levels of secrecy. It’s just like politics. Most of my co-workers knew what I was doing.

The leaders had an idea but never questioned me about it because I knew how to hide my private life. When I wasn’t on stage preaching or in the streets evangelizing, I would be in the most expensive restaurants, brothels, beaches, you name it.

And even in all this time, I was still sober. I believe it was because I found a new kind of high, and it didn’t contradict my testimony.

Photo by Matthew T Rader on Unsplash

Until it did contradict my testimony.

I’m currently finalizing the first draft of this book, so I don’t want to say too much besides the obvious. It probably won’t be a best seller. It probably is not as impressive as I think it is.

My main message today is that addiction never really goes away. Most of the time, it becomes supplemented or traded for something just as stimulating. When that reality becomes dried up, we again, begin to search for an “artificial” route of administration.

The same church that brought me to sobriety brought out of me the worse. When I came in, I was struggling with alcohol addiction. I’m not ready to begin to tell you what I struggle(d) with next.


 

Breaking Character Over Telehealth

Breaking Character Over Telehealth

WHERE’S MY STIMULUS MONEY? THE SBA CHANGED THEIR TERMS ON EIDL. TRUMP DISREGARDS EXPERTS ADVICE?! WHAT DID I WAKE UP TOO? IM GOING NUTS.

Okay, chill, let me telehealth. Alright so, I don’t really tell anyone this on YouTube because I have a different audience here. But on AnchorFM, a Podcast App, I actually have a podcast.

For some reason, they removed a feature where creators could collaborate with each other on the computer.

The app has gone completely mobile and I felt bad as a host not being prepared for this. So I immediately learned how to use OBS and streamed on here because I didn’t want to break that appointment.

The change happened so suddenly. I’d never open up as much on YouTube than I did on this podcast. I usually edit too so you wouldn’t hear that I have a mean speech impediment.

I can’t believe this was actually streamed. So unprepared and unprofessional on my part.

If you’re into this sort of content, it’s usually on Anchor, Spotify, or Apple Podcast

and you can find that here:

Able Rxcipe Podcast:

Anchor: https://anchor.fm/ablerx

Apple: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/attacking-anxiety/id1455804484?uo=4

Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/7ClkV4NGNT9saEktpCOEQa

Main: https://ablerxcipe.com

So yeah. This is embarrassing. All chaos on my channel is scheduled to resume normally. Hopefully improved. If you haven’t started a podcast? What year you in?! Start yours today, on AnchorFM and yes, it’s free and It was recently acquired by Spotify.

Since we’re in quarantine, start your podcast right now and be heard (and distributed across all platforms automatically) on AnchorFM today! It’s never been easier to start a podcast. **Not Sponsored**

You can find the EDITED (better sounding) VERSION of this podcast here: (currently editing) Unrelated keywords: anchor podcast anchor FM anchor app how to start a podcast Channel Timeline [2005 -2009] This channel was born in December of 2005. I know right? Here’s a surprise, there’s been a lot of changes throughout the years. I was 12 years old at the time, I’m now 28.

This channel was first used as a hosting platform for my dance battles on an old forum that no longer exists called, “TheCwalk.Com” At the time, we also used my channel to upload our school performances (which are still available to see in horrible quality). [2016-2017] I returned seven years later after a year-long battle with Google to gain access back into my channel.

At this time, the channel was used as a “family vlog.” It first kicked off after I began working in marketing with one of my mentors. 2017 was the most I was ever active and grew this channel from 20 subs to a “whopping” 230. I worked my but off. Behind the scenes, I never mentioned, but I was struggling with addiction. I was intermittent at the beginning but towards the middle of the year, YouTube consumed most of my time and I eventually kicked my bad habit.

This made me inspired to help others going through the same situation as well as the mental anguish that comes along with trying to get a job again, how to get back into society, and plainly, how to live again. It wasn’t until July 29th, 2017, where my mom passed away to cancer. Despite what happened, I still continued to vlog. Those videos are still up if you’re curious.

The daily vlog continued as I began growing a little community of friends here on YouTube. Before my mom passed away, we had a moment when I was helping her get up after falling in the shower. She saw that I was frustrated. She apologized but I wasn’t mad at her. I was angry at the situation. She asked me, “If this wasn’t happening, where would you want to be right now?”

I answered back, “I want to travel. I want to become a journalist, blogger, or even YouTuber. I want to leave this place because it’s too tempting for a recovering addict.” That’s when she told me that when everything was over and she passed, she made me promise her to go travel the world. In October 2017, shortly after her funeral, I woke up one day and decided to get on a plane.

You can find those videos here still. In fact, one of my best videos to date was during that time period. I got burned out. When I got back from traveling I had so much footage that I still haven’t uploaded. So I took a break for a few months.

[2018] I relapsed again and fell into a much darker place than before. There is probably one video towards the end of the year but I was pretty much caught up in my habit for quite a while. I was broken. I couldn’t make videos anymore. I couldn’t be fake in front of the camera. I didn’t want to inspire people to change when I myself was in a bad place. I just couldn’t. I never made content about this. So if you’re reading this, you’re getting the backdrop of the truth of this channel. mental health awareness

Creditor? Background check? Fuck you.

SAMSUNG GALAXY BUDS + ARE THEY WORTH SWITCHING?

I hope you enjoy this unboxing of the Samsung galaxy buds. Are the SAMSUNG EAR BUDS+ good enough to retire the Apple Airpods? After receiving these two weeks, I’ve taken a long while to review this product because of all the bs happening in life right now. In this video, I test the sound of the Samsung Ear Buds+ .VS. Apple’s Airpods (gen 2). on my way to the bank. There may be a give-a-way. It depends on how many people sign up. Watch the video for directions to the rules. You can choose if you want the Ear Buds+ or Apple Air Pods (not pro). I hope you enjoy this unboxing of the Samsung galaxy buds. Technology is really something that’s ever-changing.

*notice*
This is an Amazon Affiliate Link, As an Amazon Influencer, I may receive affiliate compensation for any purchase you make on Amazon through any of these links.

– Samsung Galaxy Ear Buds+ (RED) = https://amzn.to/3az0RRy
– Apple Air Pods (2nd gen with charging case) = https://amzn.to/3az0RRy
– Apple Air Pods (Wireless Charging Case) = https://amzn.to/3at4oAJ
– Apple Air Pods Pro: https://amzn.to/2UtwqpW

*GIVEAWAY DETAILS COMING SOON*

A New Kind of Therapy: Starting A Clothing Line

A New Kind of Therapy: Starting A Clothing Line

I am starting a clothing brand. I don’t know why but I spent a lot of time in places I shouldn’t have been. Thinking to myself that it’s time for me to go legit. It’s probably why I stopped Youtubing.

It’s probably why I never really hit it off on YouTube. Every time I stop uploading, I know I’m in a bad place. Starting a T-shirt business became my secret escape. I was finally able to make an honest living. A true self-improvement documentary about starting a clothing line.

I tried my whole life to do it the hova way. The easy way. But the easy way is not always the “easiest.”

The irony, easy money, fast money, can give you a hard time. So it was time to grow up. It was time to be true to myself and true to my brand. The AbleRxcipe, your secret ingredient, a service done for you. & sometimes, by you.

My Bed, I Make (Poetry)

My Bed, I Make (Poetry)

Every day I wake — my bed, I make;
My hands, I wash. Then I awake my face. 
My imperfect smile, I dab some paste;
I shut my door, take a knee, and pray. 
Praying to a God that I’ve forsaken; 
Now the thoughts of HER break-in.

Long have I pursued her taste; 
My arms around her perfect waist. 
Entice her with my kisses on her back, 
Now my tongue is like a soundtrack; 
The way she was begging me to play it back.

Her body arched. 
She’s screaming loud
and then she shouts!

Unbelief was the look that was in her eyes, 
Teardrops were streaming down her side;
Her body, I worshipped. I’m a pagan, and she’s my goddess.
I’ll be honest — I just took one hit & I sold my soul, I promise.

Her attitude attractive, I’m feeling like an addict
`I’m four steps up the ladder — 
now there’s no need to panic.`

What happened next was tragic;

I sold my soul in vain, to a goddess; 
With the same initials as my name.
But, who’s to blame? 
I made a mistake and;
there ain’t no replays in this game. 
I anticipate the flames. 
The same day, I won’t wake. 
My bed I won’t make. 
My hands I won’t wash. 
& I won’t kneel cause it’s too late.

Written by Joseph Mayuyo (11/23/2018)

Why I let you go…

Why I let you go…

“When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be. When I let go of what I have, I receive what I need.”

— Tao Te Ching

When I let you go…

It didn’t mean that I loved you less. It didn’t mean that I didn’t see a future with you. It didn’t mean that I no longer wanted to hold on to you. It didn’t mean that I met someone else. It didn’t mean that I was tired of you. It didn’t mean that I stopped caring. It didn’t mean that you consumed me, as the female black widow does after mating with the male spider. (Now you know why this spider is called, “the black widow.”)

I took this picture =) joseph m. abstract discovery, llc.

I let you go because:

Ithought you became distant. But what I realized weeks after letting go was that you never actually became distant. You actually gave me the space I needed so that I could miss you. In my blindness, I thought that you stopped caring. In actuality, you cared too much.

You cared so much that you put up with my shit. While I was holding on to you so tightly, little did I know I was actually pushing you away. Day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute. Up until that last second, I finally decided to let you go.

I didn’t give you the space you needed to breathe. And so, I’m guilty of not allowing you to love me, freely.

I let you go because:

  • If I held on any longer, you would have been the one to let me go.
  • You deserve to be free, you deserve to live your life.
  • You don’t belong to me, you are not my property.
  • I wanted you to know that I could live without you.
  • I had no other choice.

What does ‘letting go’ even mean?

Letting go can mean so many different things. When an employer tells you, “I gotta let you go.” It means that you’re being laid off or terminated. When you’re on the phone with your friend and something more important in the moment comes up — you say, “Hey, I gotta let you go because [insert reason here].” Letting go essentially adds up to some kind of disconnection.

When the person you’re in a romantic relationship with tells you:

“I’m ready to let you go now.”

Letting go in this context means that they realized your interest level in them has dropped dramatically. They finally realized that you need to be let go of because holding on only pushes you further and further away.

They don’t let you go — expecting you to come back. They let you go expecting that you will become a better person. They let you go expecting that you will find happiness, even if it does not include them. They let you go — wishing you nothing but joy, happiness, and contentment.

“I let you go because I myself needed to be free.”

Istill want to be with you. I still want to see you. I still think about you. I still wonder what you’re doing. I still look at my phone, wishing and hoping that you’d call. I still have dreams about you. I still think about the times we fought and what we did after. I still think about your smile. I still stay up til’ 4 in the morning, because that’s when I use to wake you up. I still want you. I still want you to be free. I still want you to enjoy your life. I still…

After weeks of no-contact, I texted you today and asked you to call me. I could tell by your reply that you weren’t as happy to hear from me, as I was happy to hear from you. But, at least now I’ll never have to wonder. I let you go because I wanted you back. I let you go because I was afraid to lose you. I let you go because I had to show you that I was strong enough to go on without you.

You still haven’t called. You read my text & you still haven’t replied. I guess that tells me everything I needed to know. I really had —to let you go But the night is still young and for some reason, I still have hope. But even if you don’t…

Who would have thought though right? Our little secret.

Religion got me off drugs… Until I entered the ministry.

Religion got me off drugs… Until I entered the ministry.

It comes with you…

The devil is clever. Even if that devil, is you.

In all honesty, I do thank the church for helping not just me, but many, in this journey to sobriety, peace, and completion. The church is the last place that anyone would think is a trigger to start using again. But, this is what most people don’t realize.

“You bring with you ideas, experiences, and answers that others wonder about.”

Every member of the church has what is called a “testimony.” It’s your elevator pitch containing the “TLDR” story of what brought you to change and start serving God and His people. They say “blessed are the ones who came from the world and into the church versus the ones who were born in the church.”

After a year, I was 21, sober, and brainwashed to the point that they convinced me to enter the ministry. This idea that a drug dealer and user came to the church and changed his life was my testimony. This testimony spread like wildfire — It was my new addiction.

The church would pay for my plane rides to tell this story about selling drugs and being a user. In hindsight, I was a meme. The reason I stopped everything wasn’t that I wanted to be sober; it was because my ego was stimulating me.

I had never thought of my self to be physically attractive since I lack most of the qualities that women recognize. However, this testimony attracted most of the millennials in the church. They wanted to experience being high, and some even tried asking me to get them some.

After two years, I had already completed what most students in the ministry were either scared to do or weren’t educated enough to be trusted. Before being dispatched to your local church, you had to be able to defend the doctrines of the church.

One of the Bishops would play the devil’s advocate and pose as another cult, and it was my job to be able to defend and convince the Bishop that I could represent and protect the 32 doctrines. There was 33, but that’s for another conversation.

Even though I was new to the church, I was already a fast learner. Anything that stimulates my mind, I can easily learn quickly because I needed to learn how to keep it from getting away from me. It’s the same with drug dealing.

It started because I always wanted attention and praise from others.

Your phone is always ringing when you’re the plug.

Each call was an opportunity for income or an opportunity to use. Either way, I was the center of attention. I never realized this about myself until years later, when I left the church.

It was just this year (2019), where I decided to “close my account” with the church. What made me famous now made me infamous and even neglected.

But before that, I abused my position in the church. I used that power to exploit people for their money, hook up with several “sisters,” and travel the world using the member’s weekly tithes and offerings (10% of each member’s income).

It was here, in the Philippines, where I would eventually be exposed.

You see, every organization has levels of secrecy. It’s just like politics. Most of my co-workers knew what I was doing.

The leaders had an idea but never questioned me about it because I knew how to hide my private life. When I wasn’t on stage preaching or in the streets evangelizing, I would be in the most expensive restaurants, brothels, beaches, you name it.

And even in all this time, I was still sober. I believe it was because I found a new kind of high, and it didn’t contradict my testimony.

Photo by Matthew T Rader on Unsplash

Until it did contradict my testimony.

I’m currently finalizing the first draft of this book, so I don’t want to say too much besides the obvious. It probably won’t be a best seller. It probably is not as impressive as I think it is.

My main message today is that addiction never really goes away. Most of the time, it becomes supplemented or traded for something just as stimulating. When that reality becomes dried up, we again, begin to search for an “artificial” route of administration.

The same church that brought me to sobriety brought out of me the worse. When I came in, I was struggling with alcohol addiction. I’m not ready to begin to tell you what I struggle(d) with next.


What the Philippines and the world can learn from Portugal

Vice News has always been a bittersweet channel since first discovering them. I’ve even applied one time to intern. But I’m sure thousands of other applicants (who have way more to offer) also tried.

I’ve grown to respect Vice News as they cover topics that many who live on the edge would love to consume. Not only on a consumption level — I should say.

There are a handful of other options to get this kind of content. But as someone who lives among the underworld, Vice News has the most accurate or close to real-life examples on their channel.

Even if perhaps it’s all staged, their accuracy on how the underworld operates is the “N95” level of authenticity. 

They could and would not be able to reveal what happens when cartel members smuggle kilos across the borders.

This is not to criticize them at all, though. I think they’re playing it safe while providing the prime rib of the underworld or illicit operations.

The kicker that wins my heart over to Vice News is their dedication to authentic journalism without FEAR, mainly while covering an AREA in the world that’s HOME to me. A SOCIOPATH and modern-day Nazi have invaded this HOME.

Hitler was a German who hated Jews. President Duterte Hates Those Who Do – anything related to drugs. If you’re a small-time dealer, you’re dead. If you’re a snitch, you’re finished.

If you’re a drug lord, you’re tortured, and the news will say, “Drug Syndicate Leader Has Gone Missing – No Leads.” Missing means that they erased you off the face of the earth. How?

Simple, DDS (Duterte’s Death Squad) catches you slipping or uses your people against you thinking they’re going to get their lives spared, but DDS kills them too. You’ll be thrown into a cremation chamber and they’ll free your ashes along the Manila Bay river. Just kidding, they’ll throw your shit away. 

Don’t be a snitch.It doesn’t work here. Tekashi 69 would have been dinner for the beast that lives in the Philippines.

For the very reason that VICE NEWS continues to cover the truth about what is going on in the Philippines, we can have accurate data on what is going on.

What the death toll is, and maybe bring justice one day to the genocide and failure of what any person can call a war on drugs. It isn’t easy to do journalism in the Philippines.

This is why VICE NEWS is brave for what they do. The Philippines has a system called “Red-Tagging.” If you ever heard of gangstalking, it is much similar except more deadly.

If the political party receives data that you’re a journalist living in the country, citizen or not, they will find you and kill you.  

This is a complete Human Rights Violation and is not even related to massive blood on Duterte’s hands.

Human Rights activists who have been trying to secretly publish journals about the accurate data and information in the country are often found shot, execution. Style. I don’t believe Duterte will step down as a President.

While I, not being born at the time of President Ferdinand Marcos, have studied that it does take longer than six years to fix the Philippines.

One must become a dictator if the Philippines ever left the third world behind. But Duterte has done nothing to show that he even remotely understands how the network and operations of manufacturing drugs and smuggling them into the country.

As Vice News said, as well as an NBI Official whom I keep contact with, “SHABU (crystal methamphetamine) HAS NOT ONLY BEEN A PROBLEM OF THE PAST, IT HAS BECOME A MUCH MORE PURE AND AFFORDABLE PROBLEM.”

You have to remember; this is after Duterte murdered thousands of poor people. He didn’t target the rich people who were addicts. He went straight into the barangays and began cleaning the house.

Funeral homes were running out of caskets; people are renting caskets because they’re so poor. Imagine in 8 years or so, the number of lives who have been killed because of this War On Drugs has to be excavated if the family can’t afford to keep the body sealed. The Philippines doesn’t always bury their dead.

In some cases, yes, but most are stacked in dirt poor MAUSOLEUMS around the city.

If they’re not dead, they’re tuna fish in a can inside the prison that is way past its maximum capacity.     

In My Honest Opinion, Duterte has his reasons, and I’m sure they’re moral in his psyche.

Though I can’t entirely agree with 99% of his presidency, I do believe that Duterte is the President that the Philippines needed.

But not because of the drugs. The data is there. The drugs are more affordable. The drugs are purer. The drugs are still getting into the country.

Corruption on so many levels, Duterte must put an END to this campaign, or I believe the US should step in.

Speaking of the United States, where do I start? Donald Trump, the most prolific tweeting president of the United States, has ever had to call a President.

Our country is far from perfect. We’ll never make America Great Again.

America was Great before it was stolen. I don’t see the US ever decriminalizing drugs the way that Portugal has done.

However, that is my wish in my lifetime to see the end of the war on drugs. It makes no sense that drugs are illegal.

VICE NEWS

I could buy enough Benadryl and vodka to kill myself or worse, someone else.

Yet, this is okay. Recently, marijuana has become legalized state bt state but is still Federally considered a schedule one drug.

The drug schedule must change. We must also put an end to making addicts criminals. I know many addicts who have big hearts.

Hearts that wouldn’t cause genocide in their own country. And that’s just Duterte when he Sober. Hitler is said to have been a tweaker during his days.

Imagine that? Duterte is a monster bt nature. Hitler probably was too, but I’m sure the sleepless nights and meth made him more violent over time.  

I believe DECRIMINALIZING DRUGS is the cure to bringing this country to be close to great.

Why? We lose so much money when it goes into the black market.

People will get what they want. We know that now. We can make all these laws, but it’s known now that people will get what they want no matter what.

Why don’t we take that money back from the Cartels? It will never make sense to me.   – JJJM. SEPTEMBER 9TH 5:02 AM

We hooked up after an hour of meeting. Everything was okay until…

We hooked up after an hour of meeting. Everything was okay until…

Always practice safe sex, even when it turns you off.

Joseph Mayuyo
Jun 1 · 8 min read

My friend Tina sends me a text that says, “come over and drink vodka with me.” A Vietnamese, pretty, perky, and spontaneous “ABG.” There was no way I was going to say no to this. I go over to her house, and she texts me that she’s actually at her neighbor’s house. I’m thinking, what the hell, this better not be a prank. I hear a gate open from two houses away, and I saw this Meztisa in some skimpy shorts,
curiously looking around with half of her body out. I walk up closer and ask a rather dumb question, “Are you Tina’s neighbor?” We confirmed our mutual friend and started heading towards the house in the back.

As I’m walking in, I get ready to take off my shoes, but the Meztisa insists on leaving them on and that it was okay. I found that odd for a Meztisa to not correctly follow the first rule of entering an Asian person’s house. Here’s Tina. She’s as red as a cherry; whenever I saw her like that, I knew she’s already had quite a few shots. I am not a Vodka drinking person. I prefer Cognac, but in a situation like this, I had to get as drunk as possible, so if anything sexual happened, we’d be like T-Pain and blame it on the alcohol. Better is a pretentious man than a sober exploit.
With no time wasted, the Meztisa begins serving me what Quora users refer to as, “Smirnoff, cheap vodka with premium sound branding.” We down the first shot together straight, and she already started pouring the next shot. I look around for soda before asking her for a chaser. She says, “chasers are for pussies; catch up!” It doesn’t take a lot for me to get drunk, so I try not to drink too fast because I suffer from blackouts, and that usually doesn’t end well.

Photo by William Warby on Unsplash


I started to feel the buzz and walked away from the mestiza and sat next to Tina. I asked Tina who this girl was and how did she know her; besides the fact that they were neighbors. Tina said that they graduated together and started hanging out a little bit after high school was over. I went to the same high school as them, but I didn’t stay long ever enough to meet her. Tina and I barely knew each other in high school. That’s because I got expelled from the entire school district during my sophomore year.
“She’s freaking pretty, how come I never heard of her,” I whispered into Tina’s ear. Here in the City of Hawthorne, a suburb of Los Angeles. All the Asians knew each other. Whether through actually being friends or they knew each other through school, and some even knew each other only through AOL Instant Messenger (AIM). We were a tight-knit community; we had our section in schools often called “the square” or the “Asian Square.” That’s where all the Asians hung out during passing periods, lunch, before and after school. So for her to kind of pop up out of nowhere, surprised me.
I asked Tina why she hadn’t introduced us sooner. “She already knows you,” Tina said. What does that mean, I thought to myself. “Judy, get over here!” Tina being properly belligerent, introduces us. It went like this, “Judy, JJ. JJ, Judy.” I asked Judy how long she’s been living in Hawthorne? She replied, “my whole life.” That surprised the hell out of me. How come Tina didn’t introduce us sooner? “I just barely started hanging out because my boyfriend and I broke up.” I immediately understood who I was to her, what I was to her, and how the night would probably end, how nice of Tina to think of me when someone needs a sympathy fuck.
“Let’s not talk about boyfriends and girlfriends, let’s just hang out,” I said. Tina got up from the couch, leaving Judy and me next to each other. Tina gets on the computer and starts playing the kind of music; you know the kind that I guess sets the mood? We had some small talk for a little while. She said that she knew me and what I did for a living. She had tried my products before and enjoyed it. “I don’t know what you’re talking about; you must have me mistaken for someone else,” I persisted.
Tina heard us “flirting” and was like you two should get a room. I was like yeah, we should probably do something about that. All the sudden, she gets on top of me, and we start making out. She didn’t know how to kiss. I feel like there’s only one woman I’ve kissed that knows what she is doing. Every other girl feels like I’m teaching them. What the hell is she doing? Slow down; you’re going too fast! Watch, next time you kiss someone, go slow, and you’ll feel a difference. I started moving toward her neck. Tina turns around, and she’s like, oh, you guys do need to get a room. I love Tina, she’s gotten me laid so many times, and we’ve never hooked up.

Photo by Markus Winkler on Unsplash


I asked Judy if she wanted to go into the room. I think you should know the answer, but for illustrative purposes, she takes me by the hand and guides me towards the hall to her place. It was dark; I guess she likes it with the lights off? This was the first time I ever had sex on a bunk bed. Of course, it was a top bunk; it doesn’t count if you did it any lower. That climb of shame, I did.
She was already removing her undergarments I was like, “slow down” again, you’re moving too fast. I don’t know why but I’ve always been a person of foreplay. It’s the only way I can feel that connection to want to have sex with somebody that I don’t know. Just because you’re pretty doesn’t mean I want to put my dick inside you, much more discover the effort to maintain an erection when you’re breath smells like cheap vodka and sweat that tastes like regret.
We continued, and I realize she is not accustomed to foreplay. I introduced her to it. I was like damn, we just met no more than an hour ago. It is all fun and games until you realize that you don’t have a condom. I was like “great!” The day I’m getting laid, I don’t have a condom on me. I told her that I didn’t have a condom and if she wanted to anyway. This is where it got weird.
Judy was like, don’t worry; I have condoms. Don’t worry? What the fuck do you mean, don’t worry? I was even more worried. I’m not saying that women can’t have condoms; it’s just sketchy as hell. I mean, I like the gesture and the knowing that you’re practicing safe sex, but this also questions me and makes me curious. How freaking sexually active are you?
This was so awkward, and I was beginning to feel turned off. She reached over into this bag and had quite a collection of different condoms. I was like damn, I understand if you have a few from one brand. But where the hell does she come off carrying so many kinds and types like Trojan Magnum, Lifestyle Flavored, Durex, she even had condoms for people who are allergic to latex.
“How accommodating,” I said, and I thought — I’m legit allergic to latex, so I use lambskin condoms made by (not sponsored) Trojan.
That’s something that I always carry around. It’s the only kind I can use. It also feels like you’re not wearing a condom, so that’s a plus.
You can put those Magnums away. At this point, I’m already turned off, but I didn’t want to leave her hanging, so I was like, I guess a sympathy fuck would be okay. I mean she did all this work, I don’t want to hurt her feelings, might as well fuck her brains out to help her self esteem. I’ll never see her again anyway.

Photo by Charles Deluvio on Unsplash


I don’t know about you, but drunk sex is not always fun. I feel like the worst sex is when you’re drunk. Because both of you are sloppy as hell, hot, sweaty, and you almost looked possessed. To be honest, I don’t feel pleasure when I’m drinking. It’s just like having sex — only to have sex. For me, I don’t just fuck anyone; I mean it when I say that: I need to have a connection with you before we do anything. I can’t just hook up with you for nothing, and there’s no feelings or no attraction; even if you’re super-duper hot, I just can’t. No, I’m not gay, I’m just not the type of guy that wants to stick his dick in everything.
I didn’t even finish, but she did. I just laid down because I was tired as hell and dizzy. I remember saying, “What’s your name again? We should do this again but not drunk.” “I’d like that,” she responded. Followed by, “I kind of have a boyfriend, though.” I was like, wait what the hell? I thought she said earlier that they broke up? But no… “You know how couples are…” Oh, so I’m the fixer-upper? The rebound fuck? Then I remind myself that I knew what I was getting myself into earlier, so I had no reason to whine about anything.
“It’s not like that, but me, and my boyfriend, have broken up so many times I don’t want to make any promises,” Judy explained. You’re not making any promises I said I just wanted to try this again another time, but it’s not like we have to or it’s the end of the world if we don’t.
I wouldn’t know but this would be the beginning of a 5-year long relationship. I hope you enjoyed chapter one.
This catalog probably won’t be too long, but I thought I’d share it. It’s a story of two young people who thought they were in love but had a better taste of lust. She’s a great girl, and I hope that she is happy. I had a great time with her and learned a lot about myself dating her for so long. Follow me into this new series: “Judy.”

[Written by Joseph Mayuyo on June 1st, 2020. This article was published first and foremost on Medium.com. Find more of my writings here and visit my project if you have the time. Cheers!]
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Why I let you go…

 



Religion got me off drugs… Until I entered the ministry.

Religion got me off drugs… Until I entered the ministry.

It comes with you…

The devil is clever. Even if that devil, is you.

In all honesty, I do thank the church for helping not just me, but many, in this journey to sobriety, peace, and completion. The church is the last place that anyone would think is a trigger to start using again. But, this is what most people don’t realize.

“You bring with you ideas, experiences, and answers that others wonder about.”

Every member of the church has what is called a “testimony.” It’s your elevator pitch containing the “TLDR” story of what brought you to change and start serving God and His people. They say “blessed are the ones who came from the world and into the church versus the ones who were born in the church.”

After a year, I was 21, sober, and brainwashed to the point that they convinced me to enter the ministry. This idea that a drug dealer and user came to the church and changed his life was my testimony. This testimony spread like wildfire — It was my new addiction.

The church would pay for my plane rides to tell this story about selling drugs and being a user. In hindsight, I was a meme. The reason I stopped everything wasn’t that I wanted to be sober; it was because my ego was stimulating me.

I had never thought of my self to be physically attractive since I lack most of the qualities that women recognize. However, this testimony attracted most of the millennials in the church. They wanted to experience being high, and some even tried asking me to get them some.

After two years, I had already completed what most students in the ministry were either scared to do or weren’t educated enough to be trusted. Before being dispatched to your local church, you had to be able to defend the doctrines of the church.

One of the Bishops would play the devil’s advocate and pose as another cult, and it was my job to be able to defend and convince the Bishop that I could represent and protect the 32 doctrines. There was 33, but that’s for another conversation.

Even though I was new to the church, I was already a fast learner. Anything that stimulates my mind, I can easily learn quickly because I needed to learn how to keep it from getting away from me. It’s the same with drug dealing.

It started because I always wanted attention and praise from others.

Your phone is always ringing when you’re the plug.

Each call was an opportunity for income or an opportunity to use. Either way, I was the center of attention. I never realized this about myself until years later, when I left the church.

It was just this year (2019), where I decided to “close my account” with the church. What made me famous now made me infamous and even neglected.

But before that, I abused my position in the church. I used that power to exploit people for their money, hook up with several “sisters,” and travel the world using the member’s weekly tithes and offerings (10% of each member’s income).

It was here, in the Philippines, where I would eventually be exposed.

You see, every organization has levels of secrecy. It’s just like politics. Most of my co-workers knew what I was doing.

The leaders had an idea but never questioned me about it because I knew how to hide my private life. When I wasn’t on stage preaching or in the streets evangelizing, I would be in the most expensive restaurants, brothels, beaches, you name it.

And even in all this time, I was still sober. I believe it was because I found a new kind of high, and it didn’t contradict my testimony.

Photo by Matthew T Rader on Unsplash

Until it did contradict my testimony.

I’m currently finalizing the first draft of this book, so I don’t want to say too much besides the obvious. It probably won’t be a best seller. It probably is not as impressive as I think it is.

My main message today is that addiction never really goes away. Most of the time, it becomes supplemented or traded for something just as stimulating. When that reality becomes dried up, we again, begin to search for an “artificial” route of administration.

The same church that brought me to sobriety brought out of me the worse. When I came in, I was struggling with alcohol addiction. I’m not ready to begin to tell you what I struggle(d) with next.


 

Breaking Character Over Telehealth

Breaking Character Over Telehealth

WHERE’S MY STIMULUS MONEY? THE SBA CHANGED THEIR TERMS ON EIDL. TRUMP DISREGARDS EXPERTS ADVICE?! WHAT DID I WAKE UP TOO? IM GOING NUTS.

Okay, chill, let me telehealth. Alright so, I don’t really tell anyone this on YouTube because I have a different audience here. But on AnchorFM, a Podcast App, I actually have a podcast.

For some reason, they removed a feature where creators could collaborate with each other on the computer.

The app has gone completely mobile and I felt bad as a host not being prepared for this. So I immediately learned how to use OBS and streamed on here because I didn’t want to break that appointment.

The change happened so suddenly. I’d never open up as much on YouTube than I did on this podcast. I usually edit too so you wouldn’t hear that I have a mean speech impediment.

I can’t believe this was actually streamed. So unprepared and unprofessional on my part.

If you’re into this sort of content, it’s usually on Anchor, Spotify, or Apple Podcast

and you can find that here:

Able Rxcipe Podcast:

Anchor: https://anchor.fm/ablerx

Apple: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/attacking-anxiety/id1455804484?uo=4

Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/7ClkV4NGNT9saEktpCOEQa

Main: https://ablerxcipe.com

So yeah. This is embarrassing. All chaos on my channel is scheduled to resume normally. Hopefully improved. If you haven’t started a podcast? What year you in?! Start yours today, on AnchorFM and yes, it’s free and It was recently acquired by Spotify.

Since we’re in quarantine, start your podcast right now and be heard (and distributed across all platforms automatically) on AnchorFM today! It’s never been easier to start a podcast. **Not Sponsored**

You can find the EDITED (better sounding) VERSION of this podcast here: (currently editing) Unrelated keywords: anchor podcast anchor FM anchor app how to start a podcast Channel Timeline [2005 -2009] This channel was born in December of 2005. I know right? Here’s a surprise, there’s been a lot of changes throughout the years. I was 12 years old at the time, I’m now 28.

This channel was first used as a hosting platform for my dance battles on an old forum that no longer exists called, “TheCwalk.Com” At the time, we also used my channel to upload our school performances (which are still available to see in horrible quality). [2016-2017] I returned seven years later after a year-long battle with Google to gain access back into my channel.

At this time, the channel was used as a “family vlog.” It first kicked off after I began working in marketing with one of my mentors. 2017 was the most I was ever active and grew this channel from 20 subs to a “whopping” 230. I worked my but off. Behind the scenes, I never mentioned, but I was struggling with addiction. I was intermittent at the beginning but towards the middle of the year, YouTube consumed most of my time and I eventually kicked my bad habit.

This made me inspired to help others going through the same situation as well as the mental anguish that comes along with trying to get a job again, how to get back into society, and plainly, how to live again. It wasn’t until July 29th, 2017, where my mom passed away to cancer. Despite what happened, I still continued to vlog. Those videos are still up if you’re curious.

The daily vlog continued as I began growing a little community of friends here on YouTube. Before my mom passed away, we had a moment when I was helping her get up after falling in the shower. She saw that I was frustrated. She apologized but I wasn’t mad at her. I was angry at the situation. She asked me, “If this wasn’t happening, where would you want to be right now?”

I answered back, “I want to travel. I want to become a journalist, blogger, or even YouTuber. I want to leave this place because it’s too tempting for a recovering addict.” That’s when she told me that when everything was over and she passed, she made me promise her to go travel the world. In October 2017, shortly after her funeral, I woke up one day and decided to get on a plane.

You can find those videos here still. In fact, one of my best videos to date was during that time period. I got burned out. When I got back from traveling I had so much footage that I still haven’t uploaded. So I took a break for a few months.

[2018] I relapsed again and fell into a much darker place than before. There is probably one video towards the end of the year but I was pretty much caught up in my habit for quite a while. I was broken. I couldn’t make videos anymore. I couldn’t be fake in front of the camera. I didn’t want to inspire people to change when I myself was in a bad place. I just couldn’t. I never made content about this. So if you’re reading this, you’re getting the backdrop of the truth of this channel. mental health awareness

Creditor? Background check? Fuck you.

SAMSUNG GALAXY BUDS + ARE THEY WORTH SWITCHING?

I hope you enjoy this unboxing of the Samsung galaxy buds. Are the SAMSUNG EAR BUDS+ good enough to retire the Apple Airpods? After receiving these two weeks, I’ve taken a long while to review this product because of all the bs happening in life right now. In this video, I test the sound of the Samsung Ear Buds+ .VS. Apple’s Airpods (gen 2). on my way to the bank. There may be a give-a-way. It depends on how many people sign up. Watch the video for directions to the rules. You can choose if you want the Ear Buds+ or Apple Air Pods (not pro). I hope you enjoy this unboxing of the Samsung galaxy buds. Technology is really something that’s ever-changing.

*notice*
This is an Amazon Affiliate Link, As an Amazon Influencer, I may receive affiliate compensation for any purchase you make on Amazon through any of these links.

– Samsung Galaxy Ear Buds+ (RED) = https://amzn.to/3az0RRy
– Apple Air Pods (2nd gen with charging case) = https://amzn.to/3az0RRy
– Apple Air Pods (Wireless Charging Case) = https://amzn.to/3at4oAJ
– Apple Air Pods Pro: https://amzn.to/2UtwqpW

*GIVEAWAY DETAILS COMING SOON*

A New Kind of Therapy: Starting A Clothing Line

A New Kind of Therapy: Starting A Clothing Line

I am starting a clothing brand. I don’t know why but I spent a lot of time in places I shouldn’t have been. Thinking to myself that it’s time for me to go legit. It’s probably why I stopped Youtubing.

It’s probably why I never really hit it off on YouTube. Every time I stop uploading, I know I’m in a bad place. Starting a T-shirt business became my secret escape. I was finally able to make an honest living. A true self-improvement documentary about starting a clothing line.

I tried my whole life to do it the hova way. The easy way. But the easy way is not always the “easiest.”

The irony, easy money, fast money, can give you a hard time. So it was time to grow up. It was time to be true to myself and true to my brand. The AbleRxcipe, your secret ingredient, a service done for you. & sometimes, by you.

My Bed, I Make (Poetry)

My Bed, I Make (Poetry)

Every day I wake — my bed, I make;
My hands, I wash. Then I awake my face. 
My imperfect smile, I dab some paste;
I shut my door, take a knee, and pray. 
Praying to a God that I’ve forsaken; 
Now the thoughts of HER break-in.

Long have I pursued her taste; 
My arms around her perfect waist. 
Entice her with my kisses on her back, 
Now my tongue is like a soundtrack; 
The way she was begging me to play it back.

Her body arched. 
She’s screaming loud
and then she shouts!

Unbelief was the look that was in her eyes, 
Teardrops were streaming down her side;
Her body, I worshipped. I’m a pagan, and she’s my goddess.
I’ll be honest — I just took one hit & I sold my soul, I promise.

Her attitude attractive, I’m feeling like an addict
`I’m four steps up the ladder — 
now there’s no need to panic.`

What happened next was tragic;

I sold my soul in vain, to a goddess; 
With the same initials as my name.
But, who’s to blame? 
I made a mistake and;
there ain’t no replays in this game. 
I anticipate the flames. 
The same day, I won’t wake. 
My bed I won’t make. 
My hands I won’t wash. 
& I won’t kneel cause it’s too late.

Written by Joseph Mayuyo (11/23/2018)

Why I let you go…

Why I let you go…

“When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be. When I let go of what I have, I receive what I need.”

— Tao Te Ching

When I let you go…

It didn’t mean that I loved you less. It didn’t mean that I didn’t see a future with you. It didn’t mean that I no longer wanted to hold on to you. It didn’t mean that I met someone else. It didn’t mean that I was tired of you. It didn’t mean that I stopped caring. It didn’t mean that you consumed me, as the female black widow does after mating with the male spider. (Now you know why this spider is called, “the black widow.”)

I took this picture =) joseph m. abstract discovery, llc.

I let you go because:

Ithought you became distant. But what I realized weeks after letting go was that you never actually became distant. You actually gave me the space I needed so that I could miss you. In my blindness, I thought that you stopped caring. In actuality, you cared too much.

You cared so much that you put up with my shit. While I was holding on to you so tightly, little did I know I was actually pushing you away. Day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute. Up until that last second, I finally decided to let you go.

I didn’t give you the space you needed to breathe. And so, I’m guilty of not allowing you to love me, freely.

I let you go because:

  • If I held on any longer, you would have been the one to let me go.
  • You deserve to be free, you deserve to live your life.
  • You don’t belong to me, you are not my property.
  • I wanted you to know that I could live without you.
  • I had no other choice.

What does ‘letting go’ even mean?

Letting go can mean so many different things. When an employer tells you, “I gotta let you go.” It means that you’re being laid off or terminated. When you’re on the phone with your friend and something more important in the moment comes up — you say, “Hey, I gotta let you go because [insert reason here].” Letting go essentially adds up to some kind of disconnection.

When the person you’re in a romantic relationship with tells you:

“I’m ready to let you go now.”

Letting go in this context means that they realized your interest level in them has dropped dramatically. They finally realized that you need to be let go of because holding on only pushes you further and further away.

They don’t let you go — expecting you to come back. They let you go expecting that you will become a better person. They let you go expecting that you will find happiness, even if it does not include them. They let you go — wishing you nothing but joy, happiness, and contentment.

“I let you go because I myself needed to be free.”

Istill want to be with you. I still want to see you. I still think about you. I still wonder what you’re doing. I still look at my phone, wishing and hoping that you’d call. I still have dreams about you. I still think about the times we fought and what we did after. I still think about your smile. I still stay up til’ 4 in the morning, because that’s when I use to wake you up. I still want you. I still want you to be free. I still want you to enjoy your life. I still…

After weeks of no-contact, I texted you today and asked you to call me. I could tell by your reply that you weren’t as happy to hear from me, as I was happy to hear from you. But, at least now I’ll never have to wonder. I let you go because I wanted you back. I let you go because I was afraid to lose you. I let you go because I had to show you that I was strong enough to go on without you.

You still haven’t called. You read my text & you still haven’t replied. I guess that tells me everything I needed to know. I really had —to let you go But the night is still young and for some reason, I still have hope. But even if you don’t…

Who would have thought though right? Our little secret.

Religion got me off drugs… Until I entered the ministry.

Religion got me off drugs… Until I entered the ministry.

It comes with you…

The devil is clever. Even if that devil, is you.

In all honesty, I do thank the church for helping not just me, but many, in this journey to sobriety, peace, and completion. The church is the last place that anyone would think is a trigger to start using again. But, this is what most people don’t realize.

“You bring with you ideas, experiences, and answers that others wonder about.”

Every member of the church has what is called a “testimony.” It’s your elevator pitch containing the “TLDR” story of what brought you to change and start serving God and His people. They say “blessed are the ones who came from the world and into the church versus the ones who were born in the church.”

After a year, I was 21, sober, and brainwashed to the point that they convinced me to enter the ministry. This idea that a drug dealer and user came to the church and changed his life was my testimony. This testimony spread like wildfire — It was my new addiction.

The church would pay for my plane rides to tell this story about selling drugs and being a user. In hindsight, I was a meme. The reason I stopped everything wasn’t that I wanted to be sober; it was because my ego was stimulating me.

I had never thought of my self to be physically attractive since I lack most of the qualities that women recognize. However, this testimony attracted most of the millennials in the church. They wanted to experience being high, and some even tried asking me to get them some.

After two years, I had already completed what most students in the ministry were either scared to do or weren’t educated enough to be trusted. Before being dispatched to your local church, you had to be able to defend the doctrines of the church.

One of the Bishops would play the devil’s advocate and pose as another cult, and it was my job to be able to defend and convince the Bishop that I could represent and protect the 32 doctrines. There was 33, but that’s for another conversation.

Even though I was new to the church, I was already a fast learner. Anything that stimulates my mind, I can easily learn quickly because I needed to learn how to keep it from getting away from me. It’s the same with drug dealing.

It started because I always wanted attention and praise from others.

Your phone is always ringing when you’re the plug.

Each call was an opportunity for income or an opportunity to use. Either way, I was the center of attention. I never realized this about myself until years later, when I left the church.

It was just this year (2019), where I decided to “close my account” with the church. What made me famous now made me infamous and even neglected.

But before that, I abused my position in the church. I used that power to exploit people for their money, hook up with several “sisters,” and travel the world using the member’s weekly tithes and offerings (10% of each member’s income).

It was here, in the Philippines, where I would eventually be exposed.

You see, every organization has levels of secrecy. It’s just like politics. Most of my co-workers knew what I was doing.

The leaders had an idea but never questioned me about it because I knew how to hide my private life. When I wasn’t on stage preaching or in the streets evangelizing, I would be in the most expensive restaurants, brothels, beaches, you name it.

And even in all this time, I was still sober. I believe it was because I found a new kind of high, and it didn’t contradict my testimony.

Photo by Matthew T Rader on Unsplash

Until it did contradict my testimony.

I’m currently finalizing the first draft of this book, so I don’t want to say too much besides the obvious. It probably won’t be a best seller. It probably is not as impressive as I think it is.

My main message today is that addiction never really goes away. Most of the time, it becomes supplemented or traded for something just as stimulating. When that reality becomes dried up, we again, begin to search for an “artificial” route of administration.

The same church that brought me to sobriety brought out of me the worse. When I came in, I was struggling with alcohol addiction. I’m not ready to begin to tell you what I struggle(d) with next.