Always practice safe sex, even when it turns you off.

Joseph Mayuyo
Jun 1 · 8 min read

My friend Tina sends me a text that says, “come over and drink vodka with me.” A Vietnamese, pretty, perky, and spontaneous “ABG.” There was no way I was going to say no to this. I go over to her house, and she texts me that she’s actually at her neighbor’s house. I’m thinking, what the hell, this better not be a prank. I hear a gate open from two houses away, and I saw this Meztisa in some skimpy shorts,
curiously looking around with half of her body out. I walk up closer and ask a rather dumb question, “Are you Tina’s neighbor?” We confirmed our mutual friend and started heading towards the house in the back.

As I’m walking in, I get ready to take off my shoes, but the Meztisa insists on leaving them on and that it was okay. I found that odd for a Meztisa to not correctly follow the first rule of entering an Asian person’s house. Here’s Tina. She’s as red as a cherry; whenever I saw her like that, I knew she’s already had quite a few shots. I am not a Vodka drinking person. I prefer Cognac, but in a situation like this, I had to get as drunk as possible, so if anything sexual happened, we’d be like T-Pain and blame it on the alcohol. Better is a pretentious man than a sober exploit.
With no time wasted, the Meztisa begins serving me what Quora users refer to as, “Smirnoff, cheap vodka with premium sound branding.” We down the first shot together straight, and she already started pouring the next shot. I look around for soda before asking her for a chaser. She says, “chasers are for pussies; catch up!” It doesn’t take a lot for me to get drunk, so I try not to drink too fast because I suffer from blackouts, and that usually doesn’t end well.

Photo by William Warby on Unsplash

I started to feel the buzz and walked away from the mestiza and sat next to Tina. I asked Tina who this girl was and how did she know her; besides the fact that they were neighbors. Tina said that they graduated together and started hanging out a little bit after high school was over. I went to the same high school as them, but I didn’t stay long ever enough to meet her. Tina and I barely knew each other in high school. That’s because I got expelled from the entire school district during my sophomore year.
“She’s freaking pretty, how come I never heard of her,” I whispered into Tina’s ear. Here in the City of Hawthorne, a suburb of Los Angeles. All the Asians knew each other. Whether through actually being friends or they knew each other through school, and some even knew each other only through AOL Instant Messenger (AIM). We were a tight-knit community; we had our section in schools often called “the square” or the “Asian Square.” That’s where all the Asians hung out during passing periods, lunch, before and after school. So for her to kind of pop up out of nowhere, surprised me.
I asked Tina why she hadn’t introduced us sooner. “She already knows you,” Tina said. What does that mean, I thought to myself. “Judy, get over here!” Tina being properly belligerent, introduces us. It went like this, “Judy, JJ. JJ, Judy.” I asked Judy how long she’s been living in Hawthorne? She replied, “my whole life.” That surprised the hell out of me. How come Tina didn’t introduce us sooner? “I just barely started hanging out because my boyfriend and I broke up.” I immediately understood who I was to her, what I was to her, and how the night would probably end, how nice of Tina to think of me when someone needs a sympathy fuck.
“Let’s not talk about boyfriends and girlfriends, let’s just hang out,” I said. Tina got up from the couch, leaving Judy and me next to each other. Tina gets on the computer and starts playing the kind of music; you know the kind that I guess sets the mood? We had some small talk for a little while. She said that she knew me and what I did for a living. She had tried my products before and enjoyed it. “I don’t know what you’re talking about; you must have me mistaken for someone else,” I persisted.
Tina heard us “flirting” and was like you two should get a room. I was like yeah, we should probably do something about that. All the sudden, she gets on top of me, and we start making out. She didn’t know how to kiss. I feel like there’s only one woman I’ve kissed that knows what she is doing. Every other girl feels like I’m teaching them. What the hell is she doing? Slow down; you’re going too fast! Watch, next time you kiss someone, go slow, and you’ll feel a difference. I started moving toward her neck. Tina turns around, and she’s like, oh, you guys do need to get a room. I love Tina, she’s gotten me laid so many times, and we’ve never hooked up.

Photo by Markus Winkler on Unsplash

I asked Judy if she wanted to go into the room. I think you should know the answer, but for illustrative purposes, she takes me by the hand and guides me towards the hall to her place. It was dark; I guess she likes it with the lights off? This was the first time I ever had sex on a bunk bed. Of course, it was a top bunk; it doesn’t count if you did it any lower. That climb of shame, I did.
She was already removing her undergarments I was like, “slow down” again, you’re moving too fast. I don’t know why but I’ve always been a person of foreplay. It’s the only way I can feel that connection to want to have sex with somebody that I don’t know. Just because you’re pretty doesn’t mean I want to put my dick inside you, much more discover the effort to maintain an erection when you’re breath smells like cheap vodka and sweat that tastes like regret.
We continued, and I realize she is not accustomed to foreplay. I introduced her to it. I was like damn, we just met no more than an hour ago. It is all fun and games until you realize that you don’t have a condom. I was like “great!” The day I’m getting laid, I don’t have a condom on me. I told her that I didn’t have a condom and if she wanted to anyway. This is where it got weird.
Judy was like, don’t worry; I have condoms. Don’t worry? What the fuck do you mean, don’t worry? I was even more worried. I’m not saying that women can’t have condoms; it’s just sketchy as hell. I mean, I like the gesture and the knowing that you’re practicing safe sex, but this also questions me and makes me curious. How freaking sexually active are you?
This was so awkward, and I was beginning to feel turned off. She reached over into this bag and had quite a collection of different condoms. I was like damn, I understand if you have a few from one brand. But where the hell does she come off carrying so many kinds and types like Trojan Magnum, Lifestyle Flavored, Durex, she even had condoms for people who are allergic to latex.
“How accommodating,” I said, and I thought — I’m legit allergic to latex, so I use lambskin condoms made by (not sponsored) Trojan.
That’s something that I always carry around. It’s the only kind I can use. It also feels like you’re not wearing a condom, so that’s a plus.
You can put those Magnums away. At this point, I’m already turned off, but I didn’t want to leave her hanging, so I was like, I guess a sympathy fuck would be okay. I mean she did all this work, I don’t want to hurt her feelings, might as well fuck her brains out to help her self esteem. I’ll never see her again anyway.

Photo by Charles Deluvio on Unsplash

I don’t know about you, but drunk sex is not always fun. I feel like the worst sex is when you’re drunk. Because both of you are sloppy as hell, hot, sweaty, and you almost looked possessed. To be honest, I don’t feel pleasure when I’m drinking. It’s just like having sex — only to have sex. For me, I don’t just fuck anyone; I mean it when I say that: I need to have a connection with you before we do anything. I can’t just hook up with you for nothing, and there’s no feelings or no attraction; even if you’re super-duper hot, I just can’t. No, I’m not gay, I’m just not the type of guy that wants to stick his dick in everything.
I didn’t even finish, but she did. I just laid down because I was tired as hell and dizzy. I remember saying, “What’s your name again? We should do this again but not drunk.” “I’d like that,” she responded. Followed by, “I kind of have a boyfriend, though.” I was like, wait what the hell? I thought she said earlier that they broke up? But no… “You know how couples are…” Oh, so I’m the fixer-upper? The rebound fuck? Then I remind myself that I knew what I was getting myself into earlier, so I had no reason to whine about anything.
“It’s not like that, but me, and my boyfriend, have broken up so many times I don’t want to make any promises,” Judy explained. You’re not making any promises I said I just wanted to try this again another time, but it’s not like we have to or it’s the end of the world if we don’t.
I wouldn’t know but this would be the beginning of a 5-year long relationship. I hope you enjoyed chapter one.
This catalog probably won’t be too long, but I thought I’d share it. It’s a story of two young people who thought they were in love but had a better taste of lust. She’s a great girl, and I hope that she is happy. I had a great time with her and learned a lot about myself dating her for so long. Follow me into this new series: “Judy.”

[Written by Joseph Mayuyo on June 1st, 2020. This article was published first and foremost on Find more of my writings here and visit my project if you have the time. Cheers!]
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